Such a beautifully written and fascinating essay! No third-culture kid here, but still some observations rang true to me. Our family was one where a father from a prosperous family (with Acadian mother) wed a mother from a foyer brisé with five sisters, all raised by third parties, all under the supervision of the French-speaking Sœurs Grises de Montréal (so we had to learn French as children too).
Spending time with families of relatives and friends felt like being in different cultures--men who played the horses and drank to their families' disadvantage, rough kids who seemed dangerous, mothers who left their kids behind and fled across the country. Then on the other hand with the well-to-do friends with things that impressed me as a boy--enormous homes on the Cape, a bowling alley in the basement. Living in a Protestant town where we Catholic kids and the Protestants played separately at school recess. Some of those things are just confusing, and adaptation just makes you feel like a kind of cultural chameleon, wilfully shifting colours to try to fit in.
A friend of mine denied that Massachusetts drivers are bad. He said they were, rather, "stupid" drivers. Living in Boston my wife and I commuted daily to work together for a while--me to the Longwood medical area, my wife to an office near Kenmore Square. Whenever we got home we'd say "cheated death again" since it was a rare day when we did not see an accident or have a near miss.
After 25 years in Boston we moved to Arizona where we stayed for five years before leaving for Ireland. A real change of cultures. My wife kept saying "we're on a different planet." On a pre-move trip we were looking a places to live with a rented car and I was pulled over for doing 45 in a 15 MPH zone. When I pulled out my Massachusetts licence he burst out laughing and let me off with a warning, explaining that I "wasn't in Massachusetts" anymore.
Hi John, thanks for the kind words and the wonderful comment. It's a poignant expression of how vulnerable we are within a family or cultural system when we don't fit in or don't know the rules. You're proof that you don't have to be a third-culture kid to have grown up as a bit of an outsider, able to observe the adults and world around you with a keen and critical eye. I wonder how your experience of seeing both sides — rich, poor, Catholic, Protestant —informed your choice to live abroad?
"Cheating death" is precisely what it feels like to dive in Boston. Even the Irish cop knew!
There's no quick answer to your question, but it is something to reflect on. I think there are lots of sub-cultures and micro-cultures in every society, maybe also in every family, and we choose to find our way through them or not. Moving to a new country is a form of choosing, too, of passing into new cultures, evaluating them, adapting to whatever they present ... or not. Ultimately we had some very practical reasons for choosing to live elsewhere permanently, and did not spend much time worrying about whether we'd adapt. We just did what was necessary.
I just found this post of yours, Elizabeth, and in it you describe something I've been obsessively worried about lately. My son is a third culture kid. He was born and raised in Switzerland and has three passports: German (from his father), US (from me), and Swiss (we are all naturalized). With EU, US, and Swiss, the world is his oyster. Theoretically.
When he was a small boy he used to insist he was Swiss: "Mama is American, Daddy is German, I am Swiss," with the infallible logic of small boys. He grew up speaking English, Hochdeutsch (i.e. proper German), and the Swiss German dialect of Zürich. With both parents being language nerds, he had definite advantages in reading, speaking, and writing. However, he also used to come home crying in primary school because "the teacher is teaching the other kids wrong, Mama!"
In retrospect, we should have sent him to an international school. But we wanted him to be "a regular kid" so he went to public school (except for three years at a multilingual Montessori day school after he was mobbed out of the village primary school where his classmates learned bad German, bad English, and next to no French). My third culture kid still has not figured out that his being different is a strength, because he was isolated by classmates and teachers for not fitting into that very Swiss box his entire school career.
The Swiss do not understand Third Culture Kids, not at all. This is why the school system here is a charade, failing on so many levels. With one-third of the population being non-citizens (and quite a few of the citizens, like us, socialized elsewhere), Swiss public schools are full of third culture kids, but still teaching to the rigid notions of three generations ago and convinced that because of the dual system of academic and vocational-professional education, it is the very best.
My mothers heart hears you! You're not ranting, not at all! This is an expression of deep and genuine frustration with systems that can't, or more accurately, won't accommodate the needs of a minority — in this case, a multicultural and multilingual child. The reason your beautiful boy doesn't appreciate his unique strengths is because the system he's in doesn't, and moreover, turns what's best about him into a weakness that puts him at a disadvantage. When we feel like we don't belong, it's often because we haven't been welcomed.
Everything you say about the Swiss system is true; it is excellent, but not for everyone, far from it. My son's international school was full of Swiss kids who had been driven out of the Swiss system, but not just any Swiss kid, kids with one or more parents who were not Swiss, or spoke a language at home that wasn't the local dialect. You're not imagining the hostility towards your son; it's real. As far as which school to send him to, you made the best choice you could at the time. We never know the outcome of any choice until we've made it.
The world is a big place. When your son graduates, he can go to university in the Netherlands, Canada, or the US (yes, I know that's problematic). When it came time for my son to pick a university, he was very clear that he was done with being different. He was adamant about going to college in the US and he chose freaking NYC to do it--the quintessential American city--and he could not be happier. Are his friends other third-culture kids? Yes, they are. Does the multicultural, multilingual town embrace him and feel more like home than any place ever could? Yes, again!
Your son's story is far from written, and the best is yet to come. I promise.
Interesting! I'm not technically a third culture kid, but I'm bi-cultural... if that's a thing? I was born and raised in the US (New York), by my Dutch immigrant father and American mother. I always felt a little different, but I didn't fully understand it until I was older. And I didn't 100% understand many things about my dad's ways until I moved to Amsterdam at 33 to explore my Dutch roots. In some ways, I feel right at home here and in others, I don't. And now when I visit the US, I feel both at home and like a foreigner. It's interesting to live in between.
“Liminal” is one of my favorite words. Living in a liminal space as you do, means seeing both sides of a threshold—neither in nor out, but everywhere. Lucky you!
I am a New Zealander living in Illinois. At the moment. And I want to say thank you for such beautiful writing. I am well traveled and have grown kids and grandkids in four different countries. So this is wonderful.
There are many more third-culture kids than one might imagine, but the operative word is kid. Kid means it's time to learn and absorb for them to become what they can be. It's time to design the future with a parent's help respecting the child. Like any circumstance, knowing the basics is key. That forms a foundation. Let's go ahead and begin there.
Interesting concept! I have third culture kids (I'm American, my husband's Russian, and we live in Germany), but if anything I'm always surprised by how well they seem to fit in when we visit my family. Maybe that's because they're still young; it will be interesting to see how the dynamic changes as they become teenagers. They go to public school though, and we didn't/aren't planning to move around, so their experience is different, I imagine, from those who attend international schools and/or live in many different places. Their childhood is surprisingly similar to my own in terms of the overall vibe and values, just playing out somewhere else. Anyway I also loved the article you linked to about outsiders...my pet theory is that living abroad comes more easily to people who've always felt a little like outsiders anyway.
I had never heard of the term third culture kid! I was born in Bangladesh, grew up in America, married an American woman and we are now raising bicultural kids in America. My plan: take the best qualities from each culture and try to pass it on to them. It's always seen as a negative (a kid growing up in multiple cultures, as if it confuses them) but I believe the best way to move forward is to the take the best qualities and highlight them.
Absolutely! You are enriching their lives by sharing both cultures. The thing that always motivated my French husband when we lived in San Francisco was making sure our son could maintain ties with family back in France by continually exposing him to his language, food, history and culture. Grandparents and cousins are an important part of every child’s life.
I grew up in Spain, returning to the US also as a teenager in High School with zero clue about American pop culture and felt totally alien and never 100% fit in. Can totally relate to this piece!
It’s not the image we have of the Southern states, but I have a friend from Mexico who just moved to Atlanta, and she’s doing great there—sounds like you are too.
Thank you for this insightful article. I recognized my daughter, born of a Belgian mother and a Guinean father, living in France. 3 different nationalities in 1 family 🙂
That's a very good question. I don't cook typically french, more of 'world food', like Lebanese, Indian, Mexican... I left Belgium when I was 16 and I don't feel I belong to any culture.. my parents were very international, always drawn to other countries like France or the UK
And I've traveled pretty much to the US, Africa etc before having my daughter.
As for my daughter, astonishingly, as though she grew up with me, and very little with her Dad, she's very much into African culture, food, music.... Genetics maybe!
Oh how I related to this & how beautiful your writing is
I have a daughter who was not born in either of her parents birth countries and has spent nearly all her childhood / teen years in various Asian countries
So I’m told she is a 4th culture kid
Of course at times she misses places people & foods & daily life of places we have lived but there are days she is happy where we are now
I was born into an immigrant family from various parts of the world and now here we all are living in Portugal
My husband English but has spent his working career everywhere but there
I did the same from a young age leaving New Zealand returning then leaving coming back & then finally leaving permanently over 20yrs ago
So somedays there is this feeling or sense of I’m not sure where I belong & on those days when you fumble with language or you are particularly tired there is the fleeting envy of those who have these deep connections to one place and one culture where they appear to fit well
Mine are so scattered at times but when I stop and breathe it all in I am so grateful for the opportunity to embrace so many places that I have lived in and to know I am made up of people from many places
I do believe these journeys open us up and I do know we can never go back to who we may have once been
Our children are braver smarter more aware because of the lives we live
We can’t promise it will be easy but I hope their lives are richer I hope they are more empathetic & kinder & they see and have seen on their journeys that in the end we are all humans wanting more or less the same things no matter where in the world we are from
And in the end home is more about the people we connect to than places that our passports say where we are born
Thank you for this thoughtful response. I feel the same twinge when I see people who fit and never have to try to do so—and on those days, I wonder if I did the right thing. Of course, I did the only thing I could have at the time, so the question is rhetorical. In the end, I absolutely agree with you: home is a person not a place.
Love this post. I have observed some of these things myself but never thought of it that way: ppl really will use culture to justify immoral behavior and not everyone is truly willing to go against the norm. I guess it makes sense that that's more natural to tcks in a sense but that's also b/c we simply don't and can't fit in and, like you said, don't get any breaks for it either.
I have come to believe, in my old age, that what is best about us is also worst. It’s up to us which side of ourselves we decide to manifest. Your 3C-ness is your superpower, but it can also alienate people if applied in ways they can’t understand. Don’t stop being you, just know you can see over the horizon and they can’t see beyond the front door.
So in defense of the Masshole. Aggressive drivers? Yes. Bad drivers? I’ll have to disagree. Also I learned how to drive when I was 38. Never learned when I was in high school in France. Then didn’t bother in college. Then lived in NYC and Boston so didn’t need to (and by that time fear reared its ugly head). I finally decided to learn because I felt limited job wise. And by then my friends thought I was crazy for biking in Boston traffic.
My French mother learned in her 30’s too when she and my father moved to Texas. But she refused to drive when they moved back to France. It’s good that your son wants to learn now.
My parents born In Italy - me in San Francisco - learned two languages simultaneously - which made me a bit crazy ~. But I made it through - thanks to ME. My role here in this life mainly is HERETIC.
I’m a third culture kid. I grew up in Switzerland, my mother English, my father Italian. I feel multinational; my English accent tends to change depending on whether I’m speaking with English people or Americans, because I went to an international school and enjoyed interacting a full range of nationalities from a young age. I have never understood racism, and never laughed at “innocent “ racist jokes because I never found them particularly funny. To me, people are people. Not that I’m perfect, that’s not what I mean. I just think I have a massive tolerance and empathy for people from all over. My kids are the same, although they grew up here in Switzerland and their father is Swiss; I insisted they also went to the international school to have the same immersion as me. I think it is a huge advantage. Of course it’s a huge privilege, too, as financially speaking a private education is expensive. Thanks for this 🙏
1. Sounds like our taxi-drivers, except they do it with such a sense of humour that you can’t get angry with them and somehow that makes the difference.
Over the course of my travels, I was ready to meet my maker on more than one hair raising ride—afterwards, we laughed out of sheer gratitude at being alive.
Such a beautifully written and fascinating essay! No third-culture kid here, but still some observations rang true to me. Our family was one where a father from a prosperous family (with Acadian mother) wed a mother from a foyer brisé with five sisters, all raised by third parties, all under the supervision of the French-speaking Sœurs Grises de Montréal (so we had to learn French as children too).
Spending time with families of relatives and friends felt like being in different cultures--men who played the horses and drank to their families' disadvantage, rough kids who seemed dangerous, mothers who left their kids behind and fled across the country. Then on the other hand with the well-to-do friends with things that impressed me as a boy--enormous homes on the Cape, a bowling alley in the basement. Living in a Protestant town where we Catholic kids and the Protestants played separately at school recess. Some of those things are just confusing, and adaptation just makes you feel like a kind of cultural chameleon, wilfully shifting colours to try to fit in.
A friend of mine denied that Massachusetts drivers are bad. He said they were, rather, "stupid" drivers. Living in Boston my wife and I commuted daily to work together for a while--me to the Longwood medical area, my wife to an office near Kenmore Square. Whenever we got home we'd say "cheated death again" since it was a rare day when we did not see an accident or have a near miss.
After 25 years in Boston we moved to Arizona where we stayed for five years before leaving for Ireland. A real change of cultures. My wife kept saying "we're on a different planet." On a pre-move trip we were looking a places to live with a rented car and I was pulled over for doing 45 in a 15 MPH zone. When I pulled out my Massachusetts licence he burst out laughing and let me off with a warning, explaining that I "wasn't in Massachusetts" anymore.
Hi John, thanks for the kind words and the wonderful comment. It's a poignant expression of how vulnerable we are within a family or cultural system when we don't fit in or don't know the rules. You're proof that you don't have to be a third-culture kid to have grown up as a bit of an outsider, able to observe the adults and world around you with a keen and critical eye. I wonder how your experience of seeing both sides — rich, poor, Catholic, Protestant —informed your choice to live abroad?
"Cheating death" is precisely what it feels like to dive in Boston. Even the Irish cop knew!
There's no quick answer to your question, but it is something to reflect on. I think there are lots of sub-cultures and micro-cultures in every society, maybe also in every family, and we choose to find our way through them or not. Moving to a new country is a form of choosing, too, of passing into new cultures, evaluating them, adapting to whatever they present ... or not. Ultimately we had some very practical reasons for choosing to live elsewhere permanently, and did not spend much time worrying about whether we'd adapt. We just did what was necessary.
Interesting. I admit, I share your pragmatism.
I just found this post of yours, Elizabeth, and in it you describe something I've been obsessively worried about lately. My son is a third culture kid. He was born and raised in Switzerland and has three passports: German (from his father), US (from me), and Swiss (we are all naturalized). With EU, US, and Swiss, the world is his oyster. Theoretically.
When he was a small boy he used to insist he was Swiss: "Mama is American, Daddy is German, I am Swiss," with the infallible logic of small boys. He grew up speaking English, Hochdeutsch (i.e. proper German), and the Swiss German dialect of Zürich. With both parents being language nerds, he had definite advantages in reading, speaking, and writing. However, he also used to come home crying in primary school because "the teacher is teaching the other kids wrong, Mama!"
In retrospect, we should have sent him to an international school. But we wanted him to be "a regular kid" so he went to public school (except for three years at a multilingual Montessori day school after he was mobbed out of the village primary school where his classmates learned bad German, bad English, and next to no French). My third culture kid still has not figured out that his being different is a strength, because he was isolated by classmates and teachers for not fitting into that very Swiss box his entire school career.
The Swiss do not understand Third Culture Kids, not at all. This is why the school system here is a charade, failing on so many levels. With one-third of the population being non-citizens (and quite a few of the citizens, like us, socialized elsewhere), Swiss public schools are full of third culture kids, but still teaching to the rigid notions of three generations ago and convinced that because of the dual system of academic and vocational-professional education, it is the very best.
(deep breath, rant over for now)
My mothers heart hears you! You're not ranting, not at all! This is an expression of deep and genuine frustration with systems that can't, or more accurately, won't accommodate the needs of a minority — in this case, a multicultural and multilingual child. The reason your beautiful boy doesn't appreciate his unique strengths is because the system he's in doesn't, and moreover, turns what's best about him into a weakness that puts him at a disadvantage. When we feel like we don't belong, it's often because we haven't been welcomed.
Everything you say about the Swiss system is true; it is excellent, but not for everyone, far from it. My son's international school was full of Swiss kids who had been driven out of the Swiss system, but not just any Swiss kid, kids with one or more parents who were not Swiss, or spoke a language at home that wasn't the local dialect. You're not imagining the hostility towards your son; it's real. As far as which school to send him to, you made the best choice you could at the time. We never know the outcome of any choice until we've made it.
The world is a big place. When your son graduates, he can go to university in the Netherlands, Canada, or the US (yes, I know that's problematic). When it came time for my son to pick a university, he was very clear that he was done with being different. He was adamant about going to college in the US and he chose freaking NYC to do it--the quintessential American city--and he could not be happier. Are his friends other third-culture kids? Yes, they are. Does the multicultural, multilingual town embrace him and feel more like home than any place ever could? Yes, again!
Your son's story is far from written, and the best is yet to come. I promise.
Interesting! I'm not technically a third culture kid, but I'm bi-cultural... if that's a thing? I was born and raised in the US (New York), by my Dutch immigrant father and American mother. I always felt a little different, but I didn't fully understand it until I was older. And I didn't 100% understand many things about my dad's ways until I moved to Amsterdam at 33 to explore my Dutch roots. In some ways, I feel right at home here and in others, I don't. And now when I visit the US, I feel both at home and like a foreigner. It's interesting to live in between.
“Liminal” is one of my favorite words. Living in a liminal space as you do, means seeing both sides of a threshold—neither in nor out, but everywhere. Lucky you!
I am a New Zealander living in Illinois. At the moment. And I want to say thank you for such beautiful writing. I am well traveled and have grown kids and grandkids in four different countries. So this is wonderful.
We love them, our amazing, worldly and smart kids!
There are many more third-culture kids than one might imagine, but the operative word is kid. Kid means it's time to learn and absorb for them to become what they can be. It's time to design the future with a parent's help respecting the child. Like any circumstance, knowing the basics is key. That forms a foundation. Let's go ahead and begin there.
Interesting concept! I have third culture kids (I'm American, my husband's Russian, and we live in Germany), but if anything I'm always surprised by how well they seem to fit in when we visit my family. Maybe that's because they're still young; it will be interesting to see how the dynamic changes as they become teenagers. They go to public school though, and we didn't/aren't planning to move around, so their experience is different, I imagine, from those who attend international schools and/or live in many different places. Their childhood is surprisingly similar to my own in terms of the overall vibe and values, just playing out somewhere else. Anyway I also loved the article you linked to about outsiders...my pet theory is that living abroad comes more easily to people who've always felt a little like outsiders anyway.
You’ve given me something to think about. Thanks for sharing your family’s story.
I had never heard of the term third culture kid! I was born in Bangladesh, grew up in America, married an American woman and we are now raising bicultural kids in America. My plan: take the best qualities from each culture and try to pass it on to them. It's always seen as a negative (a kid growing up in multiple cultures, as if it confuses them) but I believe the best way to move forward is to the take the best qualities and highlight them.
Absolutely! You are enriching their lives by sharing both cultures. The thing that always motivated my French husband when we lived in San Francisco was making sure our son could maintain ties with family back in France by continually exposing him to his language, food, history and culture. Grandparents and cousins are an important part of every child’s life.
I grew up in Spain, returning to the US also as a teenager in High School with zero clue about American pop culture and felt totally alien and never 100% fit in. Can totally relate to this piece!
It’s not the image we have of the Southern states, but I have a friend from Mexico who just moved to Atlanta, and she’s doing great there—sounds like you are too.
Where in the US did you go back to? Please tell me it was a place with a large Spanish-speaking community.
Moved back to Georgia - which definitely has a huge Spanish speaking community! Though I didn’t really discover that until I was an adult.
Thank you for this insightful article. I recognized my daughter, born of a Belgian mother and a Guinean father, living in France. 3 different nationalities in 1 family 🙂
I have a question: Is the food in your house a mashup or does it lean more French?
That's a very good question. I don't cook typically french, more of 'world food', like Lebanese, Indian, Mexican... I left Belgium when I was 16 and I don't feel I belong to any culture.. my parents were very international, always drawn to other countries like France or the UK
And I've traveled pretty much to the US, Africa etc before having my daughter.
As for my daughter, astonishingly, as though she grew up with me, and very little with her Dad, she's very much into African culture, food, music.... Genetics maybe!
Thanks! Sounds like mealtimes are a fun adventure.
Oh how I related to this & how beautiful your writing is
I have a daughter who was not born in either of her parents birth countries and has spent nearly all her childhood / teen years in various Asian countries
So I’m told she is a 4th culture kid
Of course at times she misses places people & foods & daily life of places we have lived but there are days she is happy where we are now
I was born into an immigrant family from various parts of the world and now here we all are living in Portugal
My husband English but has spent his working career everywhere but there
I did the same from a young age leaving New Zealand returning then leaving coming back & then finally leaving permanently over 20yrs ago
So somedays there is this feeling or sense of I’m not sure where I belong & on those days when you fumble with language or you are particularly tired there is the fleeting envy of those who have these deep connections to one place and one culture where they appear to fit well
Mine are so scattered at times but when I stop and breathe it all in I am so grateful for the opportunity to embrace so many places that I have lived in and to know I am made up of people from many places
I do believe these journeys open us up and I do know we can never go back to who we may have once been
Our children are braver smarter more aware because of the lives we live
We can’t promise it will be easy but I hope their lives are richer I hope they are more empathetic & kinder & they see and have seen on their journeys that in the end we are all humans wanting more or less the same things no matter where in the world we are from
And in the end home is more about the people we connect to than places that our passports say where we are born
Thank you for this thoughtful response. I feel the same twinge when I see people who fit and never have to try to do so—and on those days, I wonder if I did the right thing. Of course, I did the only thing I could have at the time, so the question is rhetorical. In the end, I absolutely agree with you: home is a person not a place.
Love this post. I have observed some of these things myself but never thought of it that way: ppl really will use culture to justify immoral behavior and not everyone is truly willing to go against the norm. I guess it makes sense that that's more natural to tcks in a sense but that's also b/c we simply don't and can't fit in and, like you said, don't get any breaks for it either.
I have come to believe, in my old age, that what is best about us is also worst. It’s up to us which side of ourselves we decide to manifest. Your 3C-ness is your superpower, but it can also alienate people if applied in ways they can’t understand. Don’t stop being you, just know you can see over the horizon and they can’t see beyond the front door.
Thanks for this. I have been starting to notice the same thing too.
So in defense of the Masshole. Aggressive drivers? Yes. Bad drivers? I’ll have to disagree. Also I learned how to drive when I was 38. Never learned when I was in high school in France. Then didn’t bother in college. Then lived in NYC and Boston so didn’t need to (and by that time fear reared its ugly head). I finally decided to learn because I felt limited job wise. And by then my friends thought I was crazy for biking in Boston traffic.
Good for you! My mom was a lifelong New Yorker, and like you, she didn’t learn to drive until her 30s. It’s not easy.
My French mother learned in her 30’s too when she and my father moved to Texas. But she refused to drive when they moved back to France. It’s good that your son wants to learn now.
My parents born In Italy - me in San Francisco - learned two languages simultaneously - which made me a bit crazy ~. But I made it through - thanks to ME. My role here in this life mainly is HERETIC.
And in two languages!
I’m a third culture kid. I grew up in Switzerland, my mother English, my father Italian. I feel multinational; my English accent tends to change depending on whether I’m speaking with English people or Americans, because I went to an international school and enjoyed interacting a full range of nationalities from a young age. I have never understood racism, and never laughed at “innocent “ racist jokes because I never found them particularly funny. To me, people are people. Not that I’m perfect, that’s not what I mean. I just think I have a massive tolerance and empathy for people from all over. My kids are the same, although they grew up here in Switzerland and their father is Swiss; I insisted they also went to the international school to have the same immersion as me. I think it is a huge advantage. Of course it’s a huge privilege, too, as financially speaking a private education is expensive. Thanks for this 🙏
My son feels the same way.
International schools widen your horizons by exposing you to the idea that everyone is an outsider somewhere.
Exactly. I was so lucky to have the experience.
1. Sounds like our taxi-drivers, except they do it with such a sense of humour that you can’t get angry with them and somehow that makes the difference.
Have you traveled South Africa?
Not yet! I’m thinking about my time in Asia, Central America, and a PTSD worthy journey in San Francisco.
😆
Over the course of my travels, I was ready to meet my maker on more than one hair raising ride—afterwards, we laughed out of sheer gratitude at being alive.
I think you definitely have strong 3rd Culture traits, least among them your powers of observation and understanding of the human condition. 💚